The other day, we were having a going-away party for a colleague who we’d barely just gotten to know since she started in September. We were sitting around eating pizza and she asked me where I was planning on having my baby. When I told her, she told me that I absolutely shouldn’t, that it was a terrible place where the medical staff don’t respect the mother’s wishes. She said that she had been a doula (birth assistant) for a few years and assisted with a few births there. She said that the midwife there (my midwife) was terrible and forced a woman to get pitocin when she didn’t want or need it. She also mentioned that they tell the expectant parents that they have to do medical interventions so that they won’t “kill their baby” when they’re really not necessary — just to get patients in-and-out. No matter how many times I told her that I am educated about childbirth and my husband is a doctor, she insisted that they would probably force me to undergo unnecessary medical interventions. She mentioned another hospital in central Vermont (which is 45 minutes away from my house) and said that I should absolutely go there or have a home birth.
That night, I had several nightmares about having serious problems while giving birth and woke up feeling scared and anxious. What she said really got to me, made me feel afraid to give birth there. But I don’t want to do a home birth under any circumstances, and I really don’t feel comfortable with the idea of driving 45 minutes (or more) when I’m in labor. I’ll admit that I wasn’t feeling too crazy about my midwife already since she’d been less than sympathetic and a pretty bad advocate for me when I was having daily excruciating pain from my kidney stones (it’s become more infrequent now, thank goodness). She’s also not a particularly warm person and I don’t feel super-comfortable with her. I did question whether she would be a really good advocate for me when I give birth and planned to talk to her about my concerns at my next appointment. But now, I just feel sick… I feel like I’m totally stuck. She and her partner (who I like better, but you get whoever’s on-call when you’re giving birth) are the only midwives who practice at my local hospital’s birthing center — all of the rest practice at the one 45-minutes away. So if things don’t work out with them, I’m going to be forced to go to the other hospital (which I have heard great things about, but I’m very anxious about the distance) or choose an obstetrician which I’m even more uncomfortable with given their much higher rate of cesareans.
I just think it’s horrible for someone to scare the crap out of a pregnant woman, especially in the extremely forceful way that she did it. I know lots of people have had bad experiences with childbirth or have had great experiences, but they should not make a pregnant woman feel anxious about the choices she’s made, especially when she lives in a rural area where there just aren’t that many choices. I know she probably meant to help, but all she did was totally freak me out. I can’t think of anything else now, and my next midwifery appointment is 2 1/2 weeks away.
So, if you hear about someone’s plans for giving birth and you don’t think they’re making the best choice, don’t tell them horror stories. I would never do a home birth myself, but I respect the choice that my colleague and his wife made to do that. And I wouldn’t sit around and tell stories about all of the bad things that can happen with a home birth. It’s insensitive and you’d think someone who was a doula would know better.
Please folks, don’t scare the pregnant lady. She’s full of hormones, going through something she’s never done before, and is hoping she is making choices that are best for her and her baby. Build her up — don’t bring her down.
October 31st, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I’ll refrain from using the words that are going through my head, and stick with a more mild expression: that woman can go to hell.
It is so confusing and worrying when you are planning for a baby (can’t speak from experience about actually carrying a baby, but I remember well the experience of being an expectant father). When someone starts in on you with stuff like this, it’s easy to doubt yourself. You don’t need me to remind you that you are a smart, capable person, and our decisions are likely to be the best ones for you.
This will carry over into having an infant (how to help them get to sleep, nursing vs. bottles, etc.). The same procedure applies: talk to a very small number of people you trust, make a decision you can live with, and figure out how to politely tell bystanders and family members to go to hell when they question you.
October 31st, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Heh. That should be “your decisions are likely to be the best,” not “*our* decisions.” Kinda changes the meaning.
October 31st, 2008 at 8:37 pm
My coworker had a very difficult childbirth but she didn’t tell me that until after my child was born. Instead, when I was pregnant, she told me these things: “You are going to love your child so much!” “You are going to be a great parent!” “I’m so happy for you!”
So, congratulations on your pregnancy. You are going to love your child so much. You are going to be a great parent. I’m so happy for you!
November 1st, 2008 at 12:16 am
For what it’s worth, the group of OB/GYNs that were recommended to us (and who proved to be completely awesome) were in Louisville, a solid hour away, so we delivered at a hospital local to them. We had plenty (plenty!) of time to get there. We definitely had doctors tell us not to rush to the hospital. That it would be hurry up and wait. This, of course, proved to be true, even with an hour drive.
November 2nd, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Thanks everyone!!!
@Steve Lawson — you’re absolutely right about just listening to a few people you really trust and then making the decision on your own. There is so much conflicting advice out there with regards to every aspect of childbirth and child-raising; all anyone can do is research and, in the end, trust in their own best judgment.
@Mita — your co-worker as very wise, and considerate. Thanks for the kind words.
@Greg — thanks for letting me know about how far away from home your wife gave birth; definitely makes me feel better about the possibility of trying the other birthing center. Also, when we were looking at cars yesterday, the salesman’s wife had given birth at the other birthing center and they live near us. So I guess people are doing it, which makes me feel like I at least have other choices.
November 3rd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Agreeing with Steve above, she can frak off. The most important thing is your and Adam’s comfort about the whole process. That said, we chose to deliver in Chattanooga, 45 minutes away from our house, because the closer hospitals were, in our estimation, not as complete in their services. Chattanooga is the only hospital in the area with a true neo-natal/newborn ICU, and it was really important to us to have that level of medical care immediately available.
That said, Greg is right…while it will FEEL like an “oh my god I have to be there right now” emergency, most labors give you lots and lots of time to get to medical care. Having a plan is important, but you won’t likely be in a situation where the 45 minutes is a dealbreaker.
Betsy and I were all about making sure that we were comfortable with the level of care, not with the “feeling” of the place. YMMV, and probably will.
We also didn’t have a midwife, relying on the nurses and OB/GYN to provide care, while I did all the relaxation of the mother stuff. Again, YMMV.
November 4th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Hi Meredith,
In the end, you have to go with what you feel most comfortable with. From the perspective of someone who has had two kids, 45 is not a long time…I live in a major metro area, and it may not be a comfortable ride, but once you get there you’ll know you’re in good hands. You have to weigh your comfort level during a challenging and painful time to the inconvenience of the drive (which Adam will be handling!).
Whatever you decide, good luck! It’s so hard to know what to do, but the earlier you make a care change (if that’s what you decide), the better.
November 5th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
I planned for the “perfect pregnancy, birth, and beyond” totally natural with the Beatles playing in the background. Went through weeks of Lamaze classes. Even had a birthing ball. Planned to nurse as long as was legal.
Instead I puked for twelve months, was on bed rest eight months, had two c sections, only nursed a few weeks.
In the end what will happen will happen so you can’t plan too much. Babies just sort of happen. No matter how much planning you do they seem to have their own plans
December 6th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
No matter what you decide, it is important that you do two things:
*educate yourselves as much as possible and make a choice.
*do not worry after the choice is made.
I think your coworker meant well, but went about it in the wrong way. We traveled about 30 minutes to our birthing place and, while the ride was awful, it is only a short time in the grand scheme of the birthing process.
I would suggest going where you are more comfortable. I think it is important to have a caretaker that you think will advocate for you or at least be sympathetic. Just be comfortable with your choice and then let it go.
Worrying is very bad for you and baby. Everything will be great. You are going to be a wonderful mom.