I’m happily over the stomach bug from hell, but am definitely at the point in this pregnancy where I’m pretty much uncomfortable all the time. It’s become hard to do most of the things I’d taken for granted in the past, like picking stuff up off the floor, eating a full meal, walking without pain, sitting without pain, sleeping through the night, etc. I’ve had a lot of joint pain lately, which has made me pretty cranky, but I also have my good days, like yesterday, when we went to Hanover, NH to browse their cute stores, see a movie (Slumdog Millionaire — awesome!), and celebrate a friend’s birthday over dinner. I know times like that are fleeting, so I’m trying to enjoy them as much as possible. Mostly, though, I’m enjoying my time with Adam — just the two of us.
The whole “having a baby” thing has definitely become more real this week. We installed Reed’s carseat bases on Friday and last weekend I packed our bags for the hospital, wrote up my birth plan/preferences (the term birth plan seems ridiculous to me, as it’s clearly something you can’t plan out), and created some checklists for Adam to make sure we have everything ready before we leave for the hospital. While I’m definitely ready to evict Reed from his cozy little home, the whole idea of being a mother still seems so strange and foreign to me. I was never one of those people who always wanted to be a mother. I love kids and have always related well to them (probably better than with adults!), but I never felt that huge desire to be someone’s mom. I also wasn’t totally against having kids either — I probably could have gone either way. It was being married to Adam that made me want to have a family, but it was so much about my love for him and my certainty that he’d be an amazing dad than from some ticking clock/biological desire thing. I feel so much love and protectiveness for Reed already, so I know that bond is there and will be there when he arrives on the scene. It just feels weird to me that I will be someone’s mother and that someone will be completely dependent on me and Adam for everything. I’m sure the first few months will be an intense and stressful time, but I know we’ll get into the swing of things. Having an amazing husband definitely makes me feel more confident in our ability to make it through that adjustment period.
I have absolutely no idea what to expect with the whole birth thing. My mother had fairly short and easy labors with both me and my brother, so I’m really hoping to take after her. There are just so many unknowns and for someone who likes to control for the unknowns in her life, this is going to be an interesting lesson in surrendering to whatever happens. OMG, so NOT my thing!!! My awesome massage therapist is training to be a childbirth educator (for which she has to observe lots of births) and offered to come to my birth for free and provide comfort, massages, etc. I was sorely tempted, since she is really sweet and a very calming presence, but ended up deciding not to. While I know there will be hospital staff coming in and out throughout the whole thing, I feel like this is a very special time for me and Adam as a couple. And I just don’t know if I’d be as comfortable with someone else there the whole time. On the other hand, a friend of mine is looking to pay someone (a doula) to support her during her labor and delivery. And other women want to be surrounded by lots of friends and family when they deliver. Go figure. I guess it’s all about how we view the birth experience. To me, it’s all about me and Adam and our love for each other, and I’m such a private person that I know I’ll only be able to be myself at that time with him. He is a calming presence for me and I know he’s going to be a great support.
I feel like all of this will be a good learning experience for me. I’ve done so many things over the past few years that have scared the living daylights out of me (public speaking, writing a book, teaching, etc.) and all have made me stronger and have led to better and better things. I know this will be the same, but losing control (over my body, my life, etc.) is really terrifying for someone who has difficulty giving up control even over small things. Were I to analyze my behavior over the past months, I’d say my relentless research on baby products and my getting Reed’s nursery just-so is a last-ditch effort at asserting control, but I am fully aware that I will have very limited control over what will happen in my life over the next few years. It scares me, but just like everything else that has scared me over the past few years, I really do welcome the change, because it comes with so many good things too (like a baby!) and I know I’ll be a better person for it.
March 16th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I’m down to 2 weeks til due date myself with daughter #2. I too had no idea what to expect being a mother. In fact, my husband and I were told we couldn’t have children and we were perfectly fine with that as we didn’t have a big desire for children. Then at 37 I end up pregnant and completely freaked out. I read so many books as I had never even changed a diaper for goodness sakes. Yes, the first few months are challenging, but SO WONDERFUL. You are in for the time of your life. I too am a control freak and very ordered and organized. My daughter has helped me SO MUCH with that. I’m much more flexible in ALL areas now, she is such a gift (she’s over 2 now). Also, I planned on getting the epidural as I don’t do pain, and then ended up going all natural amazingly enough, so my birth plan didn’t go the way I wanted, it went even better. You just never know. We’ll see how the 2nd round goes. I imagine I’m going to become even more flexible with 2 kids, so I’m looking forward to the new challenge, though to be honest there is fear present too. It’s so amazing to have these beautiful little humans relying totally on you. You can’t even imagine how full you and Adam’s hearts are about to become, it’s delightfully overwhelming. May God bless you as you become parents!!