The first 3 1/2 weeks with Reed were the worst of my life. Reed literally was not sleeping more than 4 hours total in a 24 hour period. For the rest of the time he did nothing but scream and eat. And he’d usually do a lot of screaming while he ate as well. He had painful gas and breastfeeding was not helping matters. I had overactive let-down which was, for him, like putting his mouth on a fire hose, and was making his gas even worse. It led him to constantly come off my breast or bite my nipples which caused really bad trauma to my nipples. I discovered I had Raynaud’s of the nipple, which causes excruciating pain during and for an hour after feeding, so I was usually in excruciating pain 50-75% of the time. Since Reed constantly came off the breast, the breastfeeding sessions took forever, and he’d spend much of the time screaming and trying to get away from my breast because he was afraid of being sprayed. I think he simply wasn’t eating enough, since once we went to bottle feeding his weight increased so much more quickly and he was so much more satisfied.
It was a disaster. But never once during the first 3 1/2 weeks was I willing to supplement with formula. To “give up” would make me a bad mother. I read the La Leche League forums where women with Raynauds talked about how they endured excruciating pain for the entire year (or more!) that they breastfed and how it was worth it. And then there were the women whose babies seemed miserable for the first two or three months they fed their child when their oversupply issues finally resolved themselves. While the support was helpful, I got the sense that there was never a point at which someone could or would say “maybe you should consider alternatives.” Clearly, motherhood means constant pain and I should endure it for the sake of my child. But not only was I in pain, but it seemed to me that he was as well. And I started to wonder why I should continue doing this if we were both miserable.
At the time, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. Every time I did, I got judgment or I felt like I wasn’t being heard. When I went for a postpartum massage, I told my massage therapist (who is also studying to be a childbirth educator) about the issues I’ve been having. She told me I had to stick with it, because it wasn’t good enough to pump breastmilk and made it sound like giving him formula was akin to giving him poison. I talked to my midwife and our pediatrician and both assured me that my son couldn’t possibly be in any pain. But I knew he was; they didn’t hear his screaming throughout the night. I worked with a couple of lactation consultants, all of whom gave me advice that just didn’t work. One showed me a hold that required me to have my 2 week old son (whose body was like a limp noodle back then) sitting up to nurse. I had to somehow hold him straight, support his head, and support my breast, all the while, sitting diagonal to him. WTF?!?!? Another told me that I should use a breast pump for a few minutes before feeding him to decrease the pressure. When I told her at a subsequent visit that he was still panicking at the breast, she told me that I should pump for a few minutes, give him that milk in a bottle to calm him down, and then nurse him at the breast. With that logic, I’d literally be involved in the process of feeding him 24 hours/day. When I suggested just feeding him breastmilk from a bottle or supplementing with formula, she discouraged me from both. She told me that he would not nurse after taking a bottle so early because he’d have nipple confusion (and that was a crock, because after weeks and weeks of not nursing, he did just fine nursing at the ER when I sprained my shoulder and we didn’t have any bottles with us for him — though it wasn’t much fun for me!). Even their rhetoric was judgmental. Not nursing was called “giving up” or “quitting” — certainly not making a proactive choice that’s the best thing for both mother and baby.
By three weeks, I was truly at the end of my rope. I was miserable all the time, yelling at Adam, and wasn’t even feeling all that fond of Reed by then since I’d wait in dread for him to be hungry again. Because of how I felt about nursing him, I felt so guilty, which just made me more depressed and more irritable. I wanted to feel happy about having this beautiful and (mostly) healthy baby, but I didn’t because I felt constantly stressed about feeding him. Finally, I’d had enough and I was willing to listen to my husband who’d been suggesting supplementing with formula from pretty early on. I called Reed’s pediatrician and asked her what she thought. She said that I’d already given him a lot of health benefits from breastfeeding him for 3 1/2 weeks and that if he was still getting some breastmilk, he’d continue to benefit. The key, she said, is “feed the baby, feed the baby, feed the baby.” So we fed him his first formula bottle… and the world didn’t end. In fact, he was suddenly a much happier baby and seemed satisfied after a feeding for the first time ever.
For a little while, Reed got formula at night and I nursed him during the day. But after a little while I realized that I was doing that more to make myself feel like a good mom than for him (and I was still in a lot of pain!). So, since he was six weeks old, I’ve been exclusively pumping and giving him breast milk for about 65% – 100% of the time (depending on how much he eats in a day). The rest of the time he gets formula. And when we moved to exclusively bottle feeding him, the change in him was incredible. He calmed down, slept better, was happy, and became much more curious about the world around him. It was a huge and immediate change. Suddenly, he was the mellow baby we’d dreamed of. And, yes, I was much happier too. I could finally ENJOY my son!
It’s hard enough to make the right choice for yourself and your child without people passing judgment. Whenever I wasn’t nursing Reed during those weeks, I was online reading about other mothers dealing with the same issues. I saw so much smugness online, both from mothers who had an easy time breastfeeding and those who endured lots of pain and suffering to do so (and no, not everyone was like that). While a lot of what I read was supportive, a lot was also really judgmental. People saying that women who don’t breastfeed their infants are lazy and are taking the easy way out. Here are just a few that I found online:
“its much easier to pop and prop a bottle of warmed over formula in the kid in order to get back to your computer screen than it is to nurse a child. you know, after my kid was born, moments after, i realized its about him now, not me.”
“What I do know is that hold my 7th month old breast fed son next to a 7 month old formula baby and you will instantly see some differences. Formula babies often have a waxy skin tone. You would never know it unless you saw it contrasted. Formula babies are not as vivacious as my sons on breastmilk were/are, and formula babies have greater chances of being obese…yes, those critical 12 months in life that you are whining about can make or break it for the rest of your child’s life.”
“If the burden of breast feeding is too great for you, perhaps you have no business having children–after all, everything about the years after infancy is about more and more self-sacrifice.”
While I think breastfeeding is great, I don’t know for sure that it’s this magic bullet people seem to argue it is. A lot of the studies on breast vs. bottle ignore other variables that could explain the benefits. And they often don’t look at whether it’s the physical act of feeding at the breast or the breast milk itself that creates those benefits. People talk about toxins in formula, yet that’s made in a controlled setting, whereas my body is likely full of chemicals that have built up in it over the years. I recently have been reading studies that are looking at whether the rise in breastfeeding exclusively (specifically the lack of vitamin D in breast milk) has led to the rise in autism. I’m not saying breast milk isn’t better, but I don’t necessarily buy all the arguments about what breastfeeding can do for a child. While I found the controversial article “The Case Against Breastfeeding” (which I read in the days before Reed was born) incredibly biased and in some ways ridiculous, I do agree with some of the conclusions she came to. There is pressure on women to breastfeed and so much dubious propaganda about the benefits that women feel like failures if they can’t or don’t do it. And while it’s important to support women who are struggling with breastfeeding and want to continue, it’s equally important to not make people feel like it’s the only option for mothers who love their children.
I know the judgment goes both ways with breast vs. bottle, and there’s a lot of judgment about other things too, like co-sleeping, discipline and circumcision. I just find it ridiculous that we should feel guilty for choosing what we think is best for our family, especially when it bother no one else (vaccinations are another story, because I do feel that puts other kids in harm’s way and it’s probably the thing I’m most nervous about in sending my son to daycare since they don’t require the kids to be vaccinated). If someone chooses to breastfeed for a week, for three years or not at all, they shouldn’t have to feel like other people are judging them for it. It makes me sick that mothers could do that to each other, when what we should be doing is being supportive! Maybe if we stopped attacking each other, we’d have more time and energy to fight for things like affordable daycare, longer maternity leaves, etc.
I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to pump breast milk (maybe it’s the Raynaud’s, but pumping does cause me pain each time I do it), but I’ll do it as long as it feels right for me and him. And if someone wants to call me selfish for stopping so be it. But I’d rather be “selfish” and happy and have a better relationship with my child because of it than be selfless and resent my son for my discomfort. I don’t buy into any culture of martyrdom, because I know that making yourself miserable is bad for your child.
August 4th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Bravo, Meredith…am _so_ pleased that you wrote this, and agree 1000%. Can’t wait to send it to Betsy to read.
August 4th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
You said a lot of the things that I’ve been wanting to say for a very long time. I was physically unable to breastfeed Eliza, and many, many people made me feel like a horrible mother because of it. And I don’t care what people say, my formula-fed baby has turned into an amazing toddler with gorgeous skin, eyes, hair, and an incredible brain and a happy disposition! Thanks for speaking your mind about this important issue. Moms need to support each other!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:07 pm
I’ll second Jason’s BRAVO!! I’m appalled by such judgmental, self-righteous attitudes. Finding your way with a new baby is hard enough (and painful!) without that kind of inane pressure. Your post is bound to help other new mothers!
August 4th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I really feel your pain, Meredith. I went through similar battles with breastfeeding, although nowhere near as tough as having Raynaud’s. I can remember surfing La Leche League and experiencing the same feelings of failure or potential failure if I wasn’t going to be able to keep it up. In the end, between work and school, I simply didn’t have enough milk for him. I had to supplement to feed my child. We started supplementing when he was about a month. I was so worried about the “nipple confusion” everyone kept telling me about. Whatever. He had no problems doing both. I usually breastfed him when I was around, pump while I was gone and my husband would mix that with formula and feed him with a bottle. Seriously, those comments you found! Women needing to stop letting these issues divide us. I’ve stopped reading most “mommy literature” now. I feel it influences me too much. Even parenting books are getting far to preachy for me.
And I certainly don’t remember Liam having no “waxy skin tone” (WTF!). .
August 4th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
What a great post, Meredith! I have to admit that I am one of those women who are probably a little smug about breastfeeding. I have judged friends (not to their faces, but definitely in my head) for giving up on breastfeeding and switching to formula because it was more convenient for them. I know that there may have been other problems that I’m not privy to that helped them to make that decision. I do believe that women (including myself) need to be much more supportive of each others choices as mothers, and that people generally make the right choices for their families. In my case, I was so freaked out about the nipple confusion thing that I didn’t give my daughter a bottle early or often enough, and she ended up flat out refusing to EVER eat from a bottle. I guess that would be nipple confusion in reverse. This obviously made daycare very difficult. Kudos on a great, thought-provoking post!
August 4th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
outstanding post! i always thought i would breastfeed exclusively, but then my milk didn’t come in fully, which i didn’t realize until she had to go back into the nicu at 3 days old for losing too much weight. they fed her formula and she went home the next day. after that, i supplemented with formula (and i’m fairly certain she got more formula than breast milk) until she was 9 1/2 months old when my milk slowed to a halt. she never had nipple confusion (as everyshe *swore* she would), and now she is 18 months old and the happiest, healthiest little toddler, as i’m sure your son will be a year+ from now. i, too, felt so guilty… like i had done something that caused my milk not to come in all the way. so the guilt coupled with judgment i found from lactation consultants and reading online (new mothers should never look for sympathy on the internet!) and even people in person was definitely difficult. you’re not alone! you did NOTHING wrong! you and your baby are happier and healthier and that’s all that matters!
August 4th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
thank you for writing this! i was able to breastfeed for 6 months, but when i went back to work, i had to stop. i beat myself up SO MUCH about it. it was awful–i was trying to feed my daughter, and i couldn’t. i felt sick over it. but eventually i just had to be ok with it, and once i made that decision, that it was ok, it was a HUGE relief.
i also read “the case against breastfeeding” and i kind of haven’t stopped thinking about it since. the la leche league scared the crap out of me from the beginning. i’m glad i got to nurse for as long as i did, but that’s because it was a pleasant experience for me for the most part. and i don’t think that i gave my daughter any real advantages. the advantage for us was that it was free! formula is so expensive–even the generic brands!
choice is a good thing.
August 4th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
Thanks for taking the time to share this — from another librarian mom (who formula fed two kids, both wonderful, happy, and healthy)
August 4th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Not so long ago, The New Yorker published a great article on the cultural history of breastfeeding that’s still online at the moment. It’s worth remembering that there have always been women who have been unable to breastfeed and before formula they had to rely on wet nurses.
Personally, I’m still amazed by the intensity of discussions when it comes to breastfeeding vs. bottle-feeding. Why is this? To me, it seems that many women are interpreting and investing a lot more meaning and values from how we feed our babies than simply a choice made to maximize the health of both child and mother.
And, on that note, I’m glad to hear that you and Reed are doing well!
August 5th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Great post! I’m still pregnant but am already getting bogged down in all the loaded choices that come with being a mom (drug-free childbirth or epidural? circumcision or no? co-sleeping or crib? etc). It’s really overwhelming to me, and it’s already got me feeling like one wrong step and I will clearly ruin my unborn child’s life! And maybe I’m acutely aware of this because I’m a librarian, but I have a big problem with a lot of the info given to moms. It’s very difficult to find books or websites that are unbiased and present clear info. The breastfeeding vs. bottle thing is a great example–there’s so much emotional baggage in that issue! Luckily I have access to university research materials and can follow up on original research studies, but why should it be so difficult? And as you point out, talking to other mothers doesn’t usually provide any help because they’re much more judgmental than the books! I’m reading an interesting book right now, called Deliver This!: Make the Childbirth Choice That’s Right for You…No Matter What Everyone Else Thinks, by Marisa Cohen. It could be better researched, but it does have a more in-depth and balanced discussion about women’s childbirth choices than anything else I’ve read. And it argues that if we spent more time trying to understand why other mothers make the choices they do we could avoid getting sucked into that judgment trap. Because I agree with you 100%: we all need to stop worrying so much about what choices others are making and start banding together to tackle issues that affect us all like access to daycare, health care , etc.
So thank you for cutting through the hype and giving us an insight into your experience. I hope you continue to do so–as a pregnant woman I find hearing honest but informed opinions from real moms so helpful in managing my own fears!
August 6th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Hey Meredith.
I work with Jason and I met you (and Reed) at the blogging salon at ALA. I have 2 intelligent and amazingly healthy kids who I was unable to nurse and I had exactly the same kinds of experiences you did. I was STUNNED at the judgementalism and extreme views out there regarding breastfeeding. And I felt VERY much alone and demoralized.
If there is one thing I have learned in my 15 years being a parent, it is that you are being the best possible mother when you make wise choices that result in the healthiest balance for YOUR family.
Well done – both the blog post and the parenting choices you are making
Virginia
August 6th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
Meredith,
I was an exclusive pumper too. My daughter, born last July, didn’t latch, and for the first week or two, every feeding was a nightmare. People kept telling us that she would eventually figure it out, but like you, I wanted to enjoy my baby. So I did. And I pumped. And basically it worked. I was happy to be doing it for her, but eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore, so with an overflowing freezer, I quit.
You’re right that there isn’t a lot out there for EPers. We are a bizarre group who rarely knows how to answer the seemingly simple question, “Breast or Bottle?” (”Uhhh, both?”) The medical community wasn’t always helpful to me, and neither were the lactation consultants. It was like they had half of the perspective I needed. So I made up my own rules as I went along. Eventually I found some online resources and communities, but because everyone seems to come to EPing for different reasons (most of them rotten), it wasn’t always able to get the answers I needed. It sounds like you’re doing just fine, but if you ever want to talk to another (former) EPer, drop me a line.
Jennifer
August 6th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Oops! I didn’t mean that their reasons for EPing were rotten, but rather their circumstances. Most women only come to EPing because something went wrong and it was the next best thing. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean.
August 10th, 2009 at 9:50 am
As another new librarian mom (my daughter was born in May) who had done way too much research ahead of time, I was also committed to breastfeeding exclusively. My baby however, had other ideas. I had to begin supplementing with formula a few days out of the hospital because she came a little early and was losing too much weight while waiting for my milk to come in. She then developed reflux to where she was forcefully vomiting at least once a night and the milk was always coming back up. She also had painful gas like Reed.
I was actually ordered by my doctor to bottle feed exclusively so that I could thicken the formula/breast milk with cereal and it would stay down. This solution worked great for both of us and now we have a much happier time feeding. After six or seven weeks I was unable to pump anymore and, once she was totally on formula, the gas virtually stopped. Bottle feeding also allowed me to go back to work with less worries about how my baby would eat without me around.
You are such a great mom for caring about Reed enough to make the decision that is best for you both! Each mom knows what works best for their child so keep doing what you know is right for you. I love reading your posts!
August 27th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Wow this brings tears to my eyes. Ian had the same symptoms and it seemed as if he was allergic to my milk. Formula=no problem. BM=colic. MDs assured us it was not possible but I was going crazy and had tried an elimination diet so at 4 weeks I made the decision to switch to formula. He had never been able to latch on so I was exclusively pumping. I’ve never looked back. He is not a happy, well developed 5-year old starting kindergarten in a few hours.
With Cameron I gave it a week. She didn’t latch on and no way was I going through that again. So both my babies were formula babies.
Welcome to the Mommy Wars!
Hugs I hope things are better now.
August 31st, 2009 at 3:18 pm
I am an advocate for breastfeeding and I do believe that in the long run it is best BUT I also think that we should be more supportive of each others’ choices about a lot of things, as you point out.
There should be more studies done about the side benefits of breastfeeding, the time spent, the bonding, etc. It is interesting that many women that choose to BF long term (1 year+) will often practice things like co-sleeping and baby wearing. It would be interesting to know what effects this lifestyle have on the development of a child as opposed to children who are maybe worn less but are socialized more (like in daycare or playgroups).
I think that no matter what we have chosen to do with our kids someone will try to make us feel bad/guilty about some choice we have made. Gideon is 16 months old and sleeps with us. We have gotten a lot of slack about that decision but it is our choice.
You just have to make the best choice you can and move on. Bravo to you. and btw, Reed is adorable.
September 7th, 2009 at 12:26 am
Meredith,
I just stumbled upon your post and, while I was about to zip off to bed, I had to respond. (May not be as cogent as usual).
I, too, suffer from Reynauds of the nipple and had no idea until I started to breastfeed my first kid. Horrible pain – no one has any idea how bad it is except other Moms with the same condition. You are in a rare group – very small percentage of women have it and they are usually misdiagnosed as having thrush or some such nonsense. I was mistakenly diagnosed with that for 6 months with my first kid back in 2005 – treated for thrush umpteen times and then I finally took control of the situation and had to diagnose myself with Reynauds using the same article from Pediatrics that you’ve referred us to in your post.
I believe this article describes a pharmaceutical solution for the Reynauds and it worked for me with the first kid. But, after such a troubled start with her, I had to supplement with formula just to get through the day. No one tells you that it is okay to supplement – it’s either all or nothing in the literature. But, as you found out, it is totally okay for you and the baby.
I had my second kid one year ago and I made my midwife write me the script for the drug it before I went into labor. I was way more scared about the Reynauds than I was about labor. Breastfeeding was still painful the second time around for about 1 month, but then it started to ease up and now (1 year later) I’m still breastfeeding with pain maybe at about a 2 on a scale from 1-10 – totally bearable. I can send you more information about Reynauds and the recommended drug/dose – (I think it is nifedipine – but I’d want to send you the source).
I’ve transitioned to a medical librarian in the past 3 years and I was way more prepared to handle it the second time around. Let me know if you need anything or want to discuss.
Take care,
Clara
January 19th, 2010 at 4:44 pm
Hi Meredith,
Finally catching up on your family side of life. I have TRUE low milk supply and went through the same anguish as you when my 3 year old was born. I beat myself up for having to supplement with formula. I was scared to death about nipple confusion, etc, etc
She never had nipple confusion, she got about 8oz. breast milk/day as that’s all I made and the rest formula until 11 mos. old and then she decided to end breast feeding – the trickle just wasn’t worth the time for her anymore.
Good news is my 2nd girl is now 9.5 mos old (I delivered just a bit before Reed
and I was SO RELAXED this time around. Tried to see if I’d get full milk supply the first few days but then immediately gave her formula when I could see she was miserable and hungry (my first girl lost 2.5lbs before I caved). She too NEVER has had any kind of nipple confusion and gets both still.
I have been going to our local La Leche League meetings for 3 years now and at first the guild of using formula was hard for me. Luckily, my group did not judge me and were very accepting. I continue to go to be the voice of one who could not exclusively breastfeed and for all of the great support as my kids grow.
Thanks for posting this!
October 27th, 2011 at 6:46 pm
I have a 6-month-old son and now am happily nursing pain free and without any issues, but the first 4 months were horrible. I feel your pain, believe me. I’m STILL googling and reading about breastfeeding horror stories because I still don’t understand why I went through such a hard time for those 4 months, even though things are great now. My issues included latch problems, weaning off a nipple shield, horrible pain with a nipple that would not heal, a suspected thrush infection, and Raynaud’s. It was awful. But I stuck with it because I bought into the “breast is best” mentality. I was afraid of what people would think and say if I gave up and my own feelings of failure if I gave up. I am here to say that while I’m glad I did not give up, I DON’T think it’s worth it to be miserable and not enjoy your child. You don’t earn extra points for martyrdom in my book. You need to take care of yourself to take care of your child. If I go through this again with my next child, I will definitely take a different approach and not suffer. Kudos to those who try, but if you can’t handle the pain and frustration, that’s okay. You are NOT a bad mother.